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  • Writer's pictureA.S. Morris

a season of living…

It’s officially Christmas, a day that is a magical blend of chaos, tender hearted moments, a splash of exhaustion, topped off with a sprinkling of sugar.

The early morning excitement of what’s under the tree has slowly faded into playing with those new treasures. In my little part of the world it is unseasonably warm and I’ve found a quiet spot on the porch to write, 70 and sunny is certainly an ideal way to spend Christmas.

It’s been a busy season. It’s been hard to find time to sit down and write. In all honesty it’s been hard to focus and write anything cohesive and coherent. While I could actually care less if readers are able to fully follow along; I actually couldn’t follow my own writing. So here is to hoping a little sunshine, some coffee, and Christmas magic can help pull it together.

The past couple of months have been full of change, mainly in my professional world. However, my professional life has always crossed into my personal. It has been an immense part of my identity and ,for the better, altered my moral compass. While I haven’t fully left the world of transplantation and donation, it’s no longer my primary focus. Which is not something I ever thought I’d say. This world was my home. This change was the right move at the right time. An exciting move. A wanted opportunity.

When my professional world got a little off axis this year and I lost the feeling of purpose and professional confidence it was hard to find ways to fill my cup. I was never used to feeling this unsettled. I had never faced this before. As someone who has an anxiety disorder a change in life of this magnitude sets you spinning. Makes you second guess everything.

It’s hard to know if this change is actually as drastic as it feels or if it’s due to the constant change that’s been occurring these past few years. Yes, I know life is full of change however, us Morris’ seem to be slightly extra about it. I’d really appreciate a year where the biggest change I make is a light bulb.

I recently went out with five wonderful women who are brilliant and fierce. An evening of hours of laughter and adult conversation that wove between family, husbands, work, all things pandemic, school, just life in general. This was the first time I’ve done this in two years. This was good for the soul in so many ways. I’m not sure if it was the normalcy of it all or just this town starting to feel a bit more like home.

When you are trying to heal from the darkest moment in your life during a pandemic you aren’t sure which end is up. You can’t get back into a normal routine. You can’t live life normally. I work in a hospital so that added another level. Fortunately I don’t have another time in my life to compare this kind of a healing process to, perhaps it would have been easier. Perhaps it’s a hotmess regardless.

Sitting here at Christmas revisiting, or more like overthinking, these past few months I’d like to think, hope, wish, plead that these recent magically normal moments are a sign of what 2022 will bring. I’m fully attuned that a lot of that is ultimately up to me. How in choose to face situations, process feelings, speak up when uncomfortable, ask for grace when needed, and everything in between will be a journey.

A journey I will continue to share and be open about. Wishing you peace, light, and joy this and every season.

Merry Christmas.

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