Crash and Burn....

All. The. Things. We all have our things. We each deal with those things differently. Some of us in a healthy manner, some of us not so much. Learning how to manage all the things is the real test. Some people can function on the f-it mentality, some of us (*cough*) must complete all the things; now. Multi-tasking and managing competing priorities is something that I always considered a strong suit of mine. Unread emails, never. Unorganized house, never. Well balanced social calendar, always. Turns out, i'm not that person at the moment. Honestly, I am not sure I want to go back to that person, or at least to that extreme.

If you google "how to manage competing priorities," you will get over 15 million hits in 0.4 seconds. If this doesn't provide validation that I am not the only one, nothing will. This is just further proof that I am not unique in my struggles. However, with 15 million hits, how do you decided what works best for you. There are lists, rules, vignettes, exercises to help you determine your top priorities. In theory, if you have clearly defined objectives your priories shouldn't be conflicting. With that being said, one of the articles I read on Linkedin appropriate states, "we will never run out of priorities." I don't know if that statement is helpful or terrifying. My to do list at the moment rivals a receipt from CVS.

Professionally I have been in overdrive these days. This is entirely self imposed. Not one person at work has been hounding me. If we happen to work together and you read this, if I owe you something, mea culpa. I'l add it to my receipt. This overdrive is not healthy for me right now. Intellectually, I know this. If someone were in my shoes and asked me for advice on how to handle this, I would tell them slow down and develop some tools to help you manage all the things. With that being said, I am someone who typically only knows how to function in overdrive. Zero - 100 is my speed. Just call me Andretti. However, if you have read any of my previous blog posts, I spectacularly crashed and burned this past fall. Yellow flag waving, black flag ignoring, crashed and burned.

I crashed and burned Friday afternoon in my office. Fortunately, I have a private office. The overdrive finally caught up. Still ignored the yellow flag. I managed to pull myself together to leave work. However, once I got home and settled down, I opened my laptop back up. Work in progress. Honestly though, sometimes working from the couch can be more productive than my desk. I actually have "couch work" on my to do list. Items that need my attention but not during business hours. Yes, I am aware of the absurdity of that sentence.

I struggle with feeling as though I still have to prove myself post suicide. Both personally and professionally. I did something completely out of character. Shocking everyone. Its been six months since I returned to work. Six very long month; thanks COVID. It doesn't take a PhD to figure out that the person I am trying to prove myself to, is me. I still can't believe what happened. I don't want to go back there. I STRUGGLE with the set backs. I struggle with not being who I was pre shit show. As you age you grow and evolve. Life does that to you. Being forced to relearn and reestablish who you are unexpectedly is hard. Really freaking hard.

A friend keeps reminding me that this is a marathon. As a former long distance runner this marathon is completely uphill. So many hills. This rivals Pikes Peak and San Francisco. I also know I can't force this. As much as I try. I need to overhaul my competing priorities. Take the time to define my objectives. Take the time to connect or reconnect with friends. Establish deeper bonds based on a healthier version of me.