Depression the Ride. From. Hell.

I know I have shared in previous post that I have a collection of unpublished blogs. I tell myself I am saving those for the memoir I will eventually write. The memoir that goes from misery to inspiration. As I am unsure when inspiration will strike, this memoir very well may be written from the nursing home. A depiction of these years I am living; surviving.

This sliver in time I am living seems more like the whole pie however, deep down I know this isn't the case. Unfortunately that is the hard part with depression; an illness that comes in waves, ranging from capillary to seismic. Depression has the ability to overpower you in any moment of any day. A power I never truly appreciated until I became a member of this elite squad. Personally, l think we should get decoder rings, some kind of consolation prize for this carnival ride from hell. In my true over achieving ways my depression comes with a side kick; anxiety. They both prefer to be the center of attention; they are competitive; they won’t back down without a fight. They are sinister, thirsty, vengeful monsters that will touch the deepest part of your soul. You will feel everything and nothing, at the same time. You will feel as though your chest will explode at any given moment. Breathing becomes a luxury. Your leg shaking, hand rubbing, pen clicking ways will generate enough electricity to power a small country. Ride. From. Hell.

Along the way you will learn tips, tricks, and techniques to counter act the aforementioned fun. They don't always work. You learn how to at least seem as though you are functioning, even though you’re not. I look human; I've showered; I'm at work; I am checking boxes. I am trying. I was trying my best to keep myself afloat as we have been navigating things at home however, things got the best of me. Today I actually googled, "how long until I am back to "normal" post suicidal ideations." The results range from other blogs to professional organizations all sharing the same thing; depends on the person. Everyone rebounds differently. They all agree that you will go through phases; ups and downs; a continued carnival ride. I really want off this ride. Really, really want off, and I love rides.

I do sincerely believe that the pandemic has hampered my recovery. I get angry with myself for not being better. Granted I am not sure what better even equates to. I hate that we live in an area where people don't know me prior to all the things (we) have experienced in the past 2.5 years; we've only lived here for 3 years next month. This slippery slope of depression that will sink you faster than the Titanic. I pretty much keep to myself these days. I interact and engage with a few but it’s superficial. It’s intentional. I also really don't have much to say; we don't go anywhere and I don't really talk about work outside of work. We basically do the same things every weekend. COVID doesn't exactly help ones small talk game. We have all been doing the same thing for a year now. COVID has allowed me to keep to myself even when I shouldn't have been.

Depression has this super power to seep into every crevice of your life. Personal and professional. There is no sandbag, dam, ditch, embankment strong enough to divert the flood. It can be raging and wipe out everything in its path. The hard part to swallow is when you are the wave, the flood, the wrecking ball. When this disease takes hold it will wrap its tentacles so tight that no amount of anxious shaking will set you free. Even on the good days there is always that lingering thought. A shadow you can never truly escape especially on the days when there is no sun.

Right now I am in the shadows, longing for sun. My favorite band is O.A.R.; has been forever. They hail from my home state and it wasn't a summer without an O.A.R. concert at Merriweather. Various songs of theirs have meant various things to me over the years. Their song "I go through," highlights the importance of being honest with yourself, so I am being honest. Right now my depression and anxiety has gotten the best of me. It’s a hell of a struggle. A hell of a ride. A ride that will end eventually end at some point and allow for respite. Until then...its moment by moment. Asking for grace and patience.

You go 'round and around it | You go over and under | I go through