recovery....the road less taken

I recently started reading back through my blog posts; all 36 of them. I wasn't necessarily looking for anything, simply seeing what I have and haven't shared. What perils of wisdom I have imparted. December marks six months' worth of blogging. It's been an interesting six months. The avenues it has opened up. The international following. The quiet and supportive messages I have received. Slowly going chapter by chapter as I work out this story.

Author Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to master a new skill; Josh Kauffman says it takes 20 hours. If you google their names you can find articles that highlight their respective theories. In June of this year Professor Anders Ericsson, the psychologist whose science supported and lead to Gladwell's bestselling book "Outliers," passed away. Ericsson believed that we all have the ability to be great; his aim was to figure out what makes a person great. His conclusion was the amount of time spent honing ones craft; 10,000 hours. Some simple math, 20 hours a week, means expert status in 10 years. At least I know I lie somewhere between novice and expert. I have been in the same career field for over 10 years; perhaps I am an expert there. Perhaps my colleagues who read this blog are laughing to themselves.

There are a lot of things I could sit here and say I wish I had expert status at. Motherhood, wife, friend, my recovery, a simple list to start working through. A list that will take much longer than 10,000 hours. Expert status can be subjective. Who determines what makes you an expert. Motherhood; my kids are in bed, they ate dinner, they didn't have baths, one snuck fruit snacks to be with them and one went to bed dressed as a dinosaur, I consider today a win. It could have gone better but we made it another 24 hours. My husband did not go to bed dressed as a dinosaur or sneak fruit snacks, he did shower today, and carried in the groceries for me. We got to sit next to each other for maybe 45 minutes at a fire tonight with friends before I left for bedtime routine with the dinosaur. Nothing glamourous or exciting. Being a mother and wife are always going to be evolving. The kids will get older, our sons' needs will ebb and flow, our marriage will go the same.

My recovery is not so easy. Probably the one piece that I really need to get right more often than not. If I can't keep my recovery on track the rest of the tiles will fall. I've made it through the first year, which was hard; especially with a pandemic thrown in for good measure. With that being said I have nothing else to compare recovery with. Perhaps the distraction of a pandemic was helpful. Who knows. It wasn't easy.

I just wanted to adjust back to normal life. Whatever normal means now. None of us have experienced normal this year. The one place I thought would be the easiest adjustment was work. However healthcare in a pandemic.....everyone is adjusting. I thought I would find solace in that. I didn’t. I haven’t. Remember above, I have ten plus years in my career; it‘ll be 15 years in 2021. I thought work would be the constant I needed. it’s been hard. Really, really hard.

My recovery is subjective. How I think Ive progressed may differ from others. At the end of the day my quiet thoughts are only known by me. Some parts of me are still very hesitant to share things. While blogging is absolutely therapeutic, it’s not necessarily and open tap. I’m my own worse critic. I put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself. Life in general isn‘t always rainbows and unicorns; mine isn’t an exception. However, I feel guilty on the bad days or moments. Like I shouldn’t share I’m having them. I had my rough patch and it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, I am likely a long way from being healed or cured.

But here we are six months’ into to blogging, 13 months’ into recovery, and one month until 2021. it’s definitely been a journey and one that I know is far from over.