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  • Writer's pictureA.S. Morris

Would a compass of helped Humpty Dumpty?

I've struggled with putting word on paper lately or in my case finger to key. No particular reason, several pieces to that puzzle. There has been plenty to write about; plenty to unpack and dissect out. While my writing may seem quiet my therapist has me working on it quite a bit. All sessions come with homework. To be honest, this is something I truly appreciate. She gets that writing is my thing. She finds ways to bring writing into our work together. Our work these days comes with more of a professional focus. Which to be honest is a positive change. I will admit my personal struggles absolutely cross over into my professional side. I have always functioned as someone who checks their respective worlds at the door however, depression and anxiety are a bitch and just seem to always be up for a good time.

The past year has been a bit of a tilt-o-whirl and we somehow find ourselves turning the corner into April. While my calendar is in agreement with this I'm still not sure how that is possible. Its been over a year since COVID, over three years in my current job and moving to our current town, 18 months since I decided my life apparently needed more excitement.

In the past 18 months I have survived a suicide attempt, inpatient treatment, learning how to navigate the highs and lows of depression, working in healthcare in a pandemic, and overall putting humpty dumpty back together again...527 days and counting. Patience is not one of my stronger virtues. I am stubborn however, some people think I'm wonderfully patient. I'm not. I'm wonderfully stubborn. While the situation that attributed to my cart going off the track has drastically improved, life doesn't seem to reroute as quickly. Again, patience would be great. While I am fully aware of the progress I have made, my confidence took a major hit. I was obnoxiously confidant, intense, which perhaps is why this has me in such a tail spin. My therapeutic healing resembles more of a corn maze from hell then a well thought out punch list. I'd prefer a punch list. Have a I mentioned I also seem to have a penchant for control?

This loss of control and subsequent loss of confidence is perhaps the hardest part to rebound from. In general I have always been an immensely private person. I don't really share much. I don't fan girl over anything. If you know me you well enough you can tell when I am excited over or about something. Yes, I am fully aware that being private corelates to control..blah, blah, blah. Being private was not an effective way to cope with the struggles that were 2019. In my defense (perhaps an unhealthy statement) I don't know what the healthy way to effectively cope with 2019 would have been. Being private is not really an option for me; 527 days isn't actually that long ago.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish things were easier to navigate. My ability to progress requires an incredible amount of planning. Are things getting easier, absolutely. However, as the great Eleanore Roosevelt stated "....a mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes..". There are so many days I say I got this and then Morgan Freeman interjects halfway through the day with a charming narration "...she in fact did not have it..." Yes, yes, I am fully versed in many a "if at first you don't succeed..," type quotes or sayings. My cynicism and sarcasm truly provide a disservice when it comes to taking truly admirable quotes and sayings to heart; my sincere apologies Eleanore.

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